24 October 2019

Crying because of gender dysphoria

By Alexa

What Is Gender Dysphoria?

Gender dysphoria involves a conflict between a person’s physical or assigned gender and the gender with which he/she/they identify. People with gender dysphoria may be very uncomfortable with the gender they were assigned, sometimes described as being uncomfortable with their body (particularly developments during puberty) or being uncomfortable with the expected roles of their assigned gender.
People with gender dysphoria may often experience significant distress and/or problems functioning associated with this conflict between the way they feel and think of themselves (referred to as experienced or expressed gender) and their physical or assigned gender.

I thought it’d be good to start with the definition of gender dysphoria before writing. I think the quote I took along with it’s general information gives a pretty good view on what I am going through. I also suggest to read it and/or Google the topic for more information.

That being said, now I’ll take you back 2 days in my life. A day that I hoped never would happen and right now it feels like happening again. So lets start writing before it hits me once more!

Last Monday the day started like many other days. I wake up around 5am, make myself some coffee, turn on the computer and play a game to wake up some more. Around 7 I make a small breakfast to take my (bipolar) medication and everything seems fine – I felt pretty good that morning.

When I was about to take a shower at 8am I still felt pretty good and feeling the warm water flow over my body didn’t trigger a depression (I know, warm water might sound like an odd trigger for (bipolar) depression, but my psychiatrist told me he heard it from other clients as well).
…so far so good…

Then I looked down while placing my hands on my face and I felt unhappiness crawl up. With my elbows across my chest I saw my (still small) breasts slightly pushed together making them look more beautiful than they already are. At that moment – like with many moments when looking at them – I wished they were bigger, at least a cup C.
But that was not the reason for the unhappiness crawling up. If I want bigger breasts (or the illusion of it) I use push up effects (either bra or silicone inlays) and the look and prospect of getting that bigger size makes me quite happy.

No this time it was completely different. I’ve seen and felt it before many times. Obviously seeing it is that unwanted penis down below and even pushing it away with my hand didn’t really make the unhappiness go away. The other thing I saw looking down also didn’t do any good: hairs on my beautiful breasts which means I had to shave them once again 😢🙁
Then feeling with my hands on my face – the stubble. Now my facial hair isn’t growing that fast (I have always been blessed with low testosterone), and this time it wasn’t any different than most times after not having shaved for 2 days. The only thing different was the emotional feeling that came along with it.

Emotions are a weird thing as we all know. They pop up when they want to and go whenever they’re done doing their job. And that same thing happened under the shower. Unhappiness came over me and tears started to flow, and not just a few, but a lot of them. I stood there crying under the shower for almost half an hour before I finally decided to dry myself and get dressed hoping things would get better.

Sadly things didn’t get better but got even worst. When our new neighbor was at the door, saw I was very sad and hugged me, tears flowed over my cheeks. Same thing when my wife a bit later hugged me hoping to make me feel better.

With still having groceries to get I decided to walk there and hope the distraction would make me feel somewhat better. I had to go to different places in town and I was away for almost 2 hours. After that long walk the distraction seemed to have some effect and the mood did lift a bit (that was around 1pm I must add), though the rest of the day I didn’t feel overly happy.

As I started… I am afraid it’ll happen again today and I’m not jinxing it. Yesterday I shaved myself, felt very good, felt pretty and dressed like it (even though my new heels did kinda pain my toes – I forgot to cut the nails 😳). Now while writing this I do feel some unhappiness crawling up (once again not jinxing it) and I hope I can suppress it by going to the gym. If not, then I’ll just sit behind the PC or just go back to bed and sleep the bad day off…

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