30 December 2019

Looking back on 2019 and forward to 2020

By Alexa

Janus, A Roman God

In ancient Roman religion and myth, Janus, is the god of beginnings, gates, transitions, time, duality, doorways, passages, and endings. He is usually depicted as having two faces, since he looks to the future and to the past.

In our modern days Janus is often referred to around the change of the year to watch back on the previous year and forward to the coming year.

For me, 2019 has been an extremely turbulent year and 2020 might prove to become even more turbulent. So let me start to look back upon 2019 and forward to 2020.

2019 A Year of Revelations and Hell

As said in my introduction, 2019 has been extremely turbulent for me and started with a hell that came from 2018. Yet this hell also brought very beautiful things, which turned out to become hell and beauty at the same time.

The Beginnings

The hell which began October 2018 (actually 2 year before that, when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder)I have already told you about. And while at the start of 2019 my breast growth became clear and I searched for ways to speed up the growth, the disorder also became worst with in March and April up to 5 mood swings a day. 


At that time I had no clue what was going on mentally until half April. Around that time I started to wonder about my gender identity.
After my birthday (April 29th) I decided to buy myself a nice lingerie set and the realization of my gender identity now became clear.

After Realization

It was around half May when that realization became clear. While at that time I felt 50-50 male-female, over a period of a moth that feeling became a full 0-100. It was at that time I also started with my social transition.

Hospital Referral

One month later (June 25th) my gender dysphoria became bearable and I went to my doctor.

Knowing him I was afraid he’d not understand and had to ask for a 2nd opinion. But he totally surprised me and immediately gave me the referral I wanted (and needed!). Now things were really set in motion!

…until I learned about the waiting list 😢

Effects of Telling Being Transgender

With the start of my social transition things changed rapidly and most for the better I must say. Not only because of the general acceptance but also because I really happy for the first time in my life.

My Wife

While my wife totally supports me, she did have quite some problems to walk with me in public when wearing a dress. She’d rather see me in public besides her more pan-sexual dressed in pants and shirt so she could get used to the idea of me being female – this went on for 2 months without any ‘progress’.

At one point I just gave her the alternative to go out with me in a dress or she’d never get used to it. I know this could back fire badly, but luckily it didn’t

Our Son

Our son was quite relaxed with me being transgender. When we told him he just told us that we should know he doesn’t care about appearance (we knew that!) and that I’d still be his dad but would be more happy in life.

Of course he’s right – I am more happy with my life now, even when he’s still calling me ‘dad’. I just hope that the being ‘dad’ part will change in time to ‘mom’ or ‘DaMom’ 😉


When I told my brother he responded in a way that I thought to be quite supportive (I’m not going into details). My wife and sister in-law thought exactly the opposite though.

My mother was happy for me to have had the realization and being able to start my mental healing process. But after all these years she has known me as ‘son’ she still has a hard time to see me as her ‘daughter’ already (more on that topic early next year).

I also told 2 cousins of mine. They both were extremely excited and happy for me. One of them even said she’d knew already for years.

Everyone Else

In general our friends and neighbors have no problems with me being transgender and my social transition. Also a lot of people I meet on the street are positive and I get a lot of approving smiles and compliments on how I dress and appear in general.

Friendly Concerns for my Wife and Son

While everything seems fine we also get a lot of concerns – or rather my wife. People are afraid that I am going too fast in my transition where she’s going too slow and still needs to adept. They are afraid that this might cause our marriage to tear apart.

We appreciate these concerns and I indeed go faster than my wife (you mind – looking back I’ve had this subconscious realization already since my 6th), but after 21 years our marriage is quite strong.

My Hopes for 2020

Start Transition

I’m sure that this is an obvious one. I hope that the coming year the actual transition will start, meaning a start with hormones (soy can only do that much).

Chances for this have grown a lot now that I also have applied for treatment at Stepworks. If that still takes too long I can also try to find the new location of Adrie van Diemen’s practice and get the hormones from her.


I’m sure that the bipolar disorder will stay a part of my life, but I have noticed a change in my depressions.  Where in the past these depressions where actual depressions they now have changed to emotional depressions. This is most likely caused by the gender dysphoria.

When next time I see my psychiatrist, I think I’ll ask him is we can try to stop my medication and see how my bipolar disorder will develop.


I wish you all the best for 2020!
With lots of love Alexa 💋💕